


burn me down

by MegTheMighty



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Ishval, Pre-Canon, Roy burns Riza's back, Unresolved Romantic Tension, probable medical inaccuracies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:34:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26278747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MegTheMighty/pseuds/MegTheMighty
Summary: “I don’t think I can do this.”“I can’t force you. But I’m still asking you to,” she said quietly. “I can’t keep living like this. Every time I get dressed I wonder if someone will see my back and somehow learn what it says. We can’t risk this knowledge spreading.”She reached over to hold his gloved hand. “I think you’re the only one who understands that. Please, Roy.”Riza asked Roy to burn her back and he agreed. Now, he has to go through with it.
Relationships: Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang
Comments: 4
Kudos: 51





	burn me down

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so interested in all the missing moments we don't get to see in canon between Roy and Riza, so I really wanted to write about him burning her back. It ended up being pretty difficult to nail down, but I powered through and hope you enjoy my take on the scene.

Riza wasn’t sure why he waited until they got back to East City. When she had finally summoned the courage to ask him to burn her back in Ishval, part of her wanted immediate results. She was just so tired. Every part of her was crying out for some sort of relief, but it simply wouldn’t come with a restful night of sleep or a warm meal when her body wouldn’t let her have either. She needed to _do_ something. 

She was barely twenty, but the tattoo had been part of her for years. She had been so naive, sitting at her desk in her bedroom and writing another letter to Roy at the academy. Hardly anything of interest had happened since he left, so Riza settled on telling him about her school work again. 

She recalled the promise she made to Roy when he left, that she would let him know if Berthold revealed anything about his research. They both doubted he would, since he never bothered to teach her alchemy before. Still, she figured she could at least look around a little and try to give Roy a meaningful update. The last thing she wanted was for him to get bored with her letters and stop writing back.

The rest was a blur, from the time she entered her father’s office on the pretense of cleaning, to when she woke up with the most intense pain she had ever felt. Riza vaguely remembered saying the word “yes” when he asked if she wanted to help him. She had always been eager to please, especially if Berthold was offering the slightest bit of his attention. But she didn’t want to help by bearing his burden for him.

As soon as she was able to get up and move around normally again, she threw the incomplete letter away and didn’t even attempt writing a new one. Instead of keeping her promise to Roy, she decided to keep her promise to her father. She wasn’t to tell anyone what was on her back, much less show them. That’s how it was for two years, until Berthold was dead and she was all too willing to give away the only valuable inheritance she was left with.

They were in a similar position again, as Riza took a seat on Roy’s couch. The train ride back from Ishval had been eerily silent, but once they arrived in East City he finally offered to let her stay at his apartment. He explained she would need someone to take care of her, and it needed to be him. She wanted to refuse, but she was desperate to simply get it over with. If those were his terms, she would accept.

“Do you want anything to drink?” he asked.

“No, thank you.”

Roy swallowed thickly. However they did this, it had to be with her comfort in mind. The problem was Riza didn’t seem inclined to let him make sure of that. All her movements were clinical and detached, as if they were still at war.

“How do you want to do this?” she asked bluntly. 

Roy turned to look at her. Based on her tone, he expected to see the cold, focused look of a sniper as they found their target. Instead, it was the same look she wore when he was first going to examine the array: reserved, but steady, with a quiet resolve.

_“Would you prefer to lay down?” he asked._

_“I guess.” She shrugged, as if what she preferred didn’t matter._

_“I’m so sorry for what he did.” He truly was, and it was difficult not to blame himself for leaving and allowing it to happen._

_“It’s fine,” she replied simply._

_“Why don’t you get upset about this? What he did was unforgivable.”_

_“I can’t change what he did. But I can decide what to do with it, and I’m showing you. So just look, you don’t have to feel guilty.”_

He frowned, wondering why she would even trust him to dictate the situation now. She shouldn’t have trusted him in the first place, and she had seen first hand why not. He didn’t answer her question yet, but sat down next to her.

“Have you ever wondered why he did it?” he asked softly.

“I didn’t think there was a point in questioning it,” she answered. “He had lost his mind, there was no logic behind any of his actions.”

Roy didn’t quite believe that, but he didn’t have any right to question what she thought of her father.

“Then again,” she continued. “I wonder if he knew I would inevitably show you anyway. Maybe he always wanted his legacy to live on, but he was too much of a coward to pass on his research himself.”

“I think that would make me feel worse,” he admitted. She gave him a curious look. “I was the one who was asking to learn flame alchemy, and if he thought he could pass it on to me because he expected me to see his daughter’s naked back at some point…” He took a deep breath. “You never should have been caught in the middle of all this. He stole your chance to live a normal life with anyone.”

“With anyone but you.” Riza hadn’t even meant to say it, but it came out anyway. Roy looked at her in surprise, but she shrugged it off. “Can we please just get along with this?”

“Yeah. Come with me.”

They entered his room together, and Riza almost laughed. Of all the times she had imagined stumbling into a bedroom alongside someone, a majority of the men in her mind wore Roy’s face and spoke in his quietly confident voice. That had been when she was a younger girl, not a broken woman. 

This time she couldn’t waste time thinking about what her childhood crush would think when she removed her clothing, or how softly he might touch her skin. This time Riza wouldn’t shyly look back toward Roy to see if he was affected by her as much as she was by him. They had a job to do, that was all. 

Riza had never been particularly religious, and all she remembered from attending church with her mother was that God was supposed to be merciful and just and watch over his children. She didn’t want to believe it, but maybe this was justice. Maybe she deserved for Roy to be the one who hurt her, and to be so close while he still remained unattainable. 

They stood in silence for a bit, waiting for the other to make a move. She noticed bandages and other medical supplies waiting on his dresser and Riza knew she should try to clear her mind and prepare for the pain. She looked around briefly, noticing that his room was spotless. Further examination led her to conclude that it wasn’t due to any cleanliness on Roy’s part, just the fact that the room was completely bare save his bed and some other small furniture. She turned away and took a deep breath, trying not to think about whether he was watching her movements.

Finally, Riza was laying on her stomach in front of him again, her shirt off and bra unhooked. Roy sat beside her and pulled on his gloves. His stomach turned as he reminded himself he had to burn her severely enough that her skin would scar. It was worse that he had learned exactly how to do that. She turned her head to let her neck sit more comfortably and closed her eyes.

Roy lifted his hand, but before he could force his fingers into a snap, they shook violently and he felt bile rise in the back of his throat. Without saying a word, he ran to his bathroom and closed the door behind him. She looked too much like a dead body. But he couldn’t just close his eyes and pretend to forget the face; it was her face. It was her life in his hands. 

Despite what Riza insisted so long ago, he did feel guilty for examining the array so closely while she was in such a vulnerable state. Roy had always tried to stop himself from picturing her as anything other than a friend, but when he failed at that, she was beautiful and soft and he could run his hands over her skin reverently. That’s what he told himself he would do if she ever allowed them to be so intimately close again. Maybe he could make her forget the tattoo on her back for a while, so she would know that what he truly cared about was her, not the knowledge etched on her skin.

He retched loudly enough to draw her attention, and she immediately slid off the bed. Riza gripped her shirt against her chest as she opened the door. He looked pitiful, kneeling on the floor, gripping the toilet to try not to pass out. 

Part of her wanted to admonish him. 

_“Now you’re feeling squeamish? Now you have a problem with burning someone alive?”_ she could say. _“How is this any worse than what you’ve already done? Didn’t you want to use flame alchemy all along?”_

But she didn’t. She knew that would be cruel coming from her, like something Kimblee would say. Whether either of them would admit it, they both knew why this was different. She loved him. He loved her. In Ishval, they committed crimes that deserved to be punished. But they were told who the enemy was, and warned that Amestris itself would die if they didn’t fight. The war had stripped them of any innocence or hope they used to have.

Now, she was asking him to commit the same act that gave him nightmares on someone he had known before they ever endured those horrors. Even if she didn’t think they were allowed to feel self-pity for that, they weren’t really monsters. Roy’s reaction proved that. He didn’t deserve any derision from her.

Riza slumped down next to him. “This is all so fucked up.”

He had never heard her swear before, Roy realized. It was a random thought to have in a moment so serious, but it helped pull him out of his head a bit. 

“I don’t think I can do this.”

“I can’t force you. But I’m still asking you to,” she said quietly. “I can’t keep living like this. Every time I get dressed I wonder if someone will see my back and somehow learn what it says. We can’t risk this knowledge spreading.”

She reached over to hold his gloved hand. “I think you’re the only one who understands that. Please, Roy.”

When he looked up at her, he saw tears streaming down her face. She gasped as a sob finally forced itself out, and he immediately pulled her closer. Her shirt fell out of her hands but she hardly noticed. Her bare chest brushed against him as he wrapped his arms around her. Neither cared that she was half-naked; they were past that. It mattered so much more that they were laying their hearts open to each other, completely bare for the other to see.

“Riza,” he said shakily. “I’m sor-”

She gripped him tighter as he took a deep breath to try to force his words out. “I lo-”

“I know, Roy,” she stopped him. “I know.”

They clung to each other for a few more minutes, riding out their emotions together. Finally, Roy shifted so that his hands were over the top part of her tattoo. “Is this really what you want?” he asked one last time. 

Riza settled her chin on his shoulder. “Yes.”

He hoisted her up, taking them both back to his bed. She was still wrapped up in his arms, and her legs fell around his waist as he sat down. Roy straightened his back, trying to steel his will. He could do this. He could make it as painless as possible. There were a few key symbols on the tattoo that needed to be destroyed, and without them the rest was meaningless. That was all. 

He carded a hand through Riza’s short hair until it landed at the base of her neck. He gripped it gently, holding her in place. He felt her shift once more, holding onto his back to steady herself. His free hand had the ignition glove on. Running through the exact placement, the exact temperature, and the exact formula one last time, he snapped.

* * *

Riza immediately blacked out. She felt the flash of heat and a blinding sting, but after that, her mind was blank. She couldn’t see or hear or feel anything. They knew it was likely to happen, since burn victims often went into shock. 

Roy was completely, painfully conscious. Her mind shutting down didn’t stop an involuntary scream from tearing out of her throat. He almost dropped her at the sudden noise, but instead managed to hold her closer and twist their bodies around so that she was laid down on her stomach again. He didn’t have the luxury of blushing or stuttering when his hand inelegantly grazed her breast.

He knew he probably needed to take a moment to regain his breath, but there wasn’t time. Dr. Knox had given him a weak general anesthetic to make sure she was truly out. He reached over for the supplies he had gathered and started to clean the area around the burn. It was best to do it while she was unconscious since the flesh would be so sensitive. Caring for the wound afterwards might actually be more painful than the flames, so he worked quickly. Dr. Knox instructions were clear, and he had memorized them with the same fervor he memorized alchemical formulas in his youth. 

Eventually Riza’s back was completely cleaned, treated, and bandaged, leaving him with nothing to do but wait. Her breathing was normal and the initial shock that stiffened her body seemed to be wearing off. Roy went out to his small kitchen to begin making soup he had gathered ingredients for the previous night, knowing she might not be able to eat anything more substantial yet. 

When he returned, her eyes were still closed but her body had started shaking. Roy pulled his sheet over Riza carefully, making sure to avoid letting it brush against her wounds. He decided to sit by her right side so he could lay a hand against her unharmed shoulder. 

Once he was able to take a moment to breathe, Roy studied her a bit. He had noticed before that she seemed thin, which wasn’t so surprising. Resources were short in Ishval and there had been times when they were strictly rationing food and water. Even then, it seemed like more than that. Her eyes had lost their light. Her blonde hair was limp. He couldn’t say that he was any better. The muscles he had grown at the academy were gone, simply from a lack of care for himself. They were nothing like they had been when he returned to the Hawkeyes years ago. 

They really were broken, Roy thought. He wondered if this would make it better, or if it would just break them even more.

It took a few more hours for her to open her eyes. Riza cracked them open and saw his face next to hers. Roy’s thumb was brushing across her arm over and over, but he was absentmindedly staring up at the ceiling. Her throat felt dry and she could only get a quiet croak out when she tried to speak. 

“Don’t say anything,” he said as soon as he heard it. “Try not to move by yourself.”

She nodded slightly, allowing him to gently flip her around and sit her up. His arm stayed behind her back so that the bandages wouldn’t hit the pillow. Roy reached over to grab a glass of water, tipping it toward her mouth so she could drink. He brushed her hair off of her forehead as it was damp with sweat, and left his hand to cup her cheek for a brief moment.

The rest of the week was full of moments like that: fleeting yet gentle touches, that meant everything but had to mean nothing. Roy changed her bandages enough times that they lost count, but they both pretended not to notice her skin flushing at the contact. He would bring her all her meals to eat in his bed, though it was usually just more soup. Once for dessert, he brought some chopped up fruit, and while she wasn’t sure what her stomach could handle, she wanted to savor every bite.

They both knew it wasn’t going to last forever. Her leave would be over soon, and she could return to duty if she chose to. Roy was being promoted, and since returning from Ishval, Riza was granted an honorary graduation from the military academy. 

“Are you going to stay and accept your commission? After all you’ve been through?” he asked on the last night. Roy had finished brushing his teeth and was checking on her one last time before heading out to sleep on the couch.

“I’m not sure yet,” she admitted quietly. “Do you still believe in your dream that you told me about before?”

“I have to. Maybe even more than I used to,” he said gravely. “I have to believe that it’s still possible to improve this country, no matter what it takes. Otherwise, this was all for nothing.”

Riza nodded, noting she felt a similar new resolve. She didn’t tell him that yet though, letting herself imagine what she might do if she didn’t continue in the military. She realized she would probably never have a reason to get up out of Roy’s bed. He could take care of her until the burns turned to scars, and she knew he was more than willing to do so. Afterwards, she could stay forever; the look in his eye some days told her he wouldn’t mind that either. 

While that was almost tempting, Riza knew she couldn’t stay put. She couldn’t keep wallowing in her regret and pain. Whatever relief she might find in Roy’s arms would be overshadowed by Ishval if they let their sins fester. She needed to _do_ something. But at least for that night, she could put it off until tomorrow.

“Will you stay?” she called after him. “With me?”

Roy turned around quickly, searching her eyes and seeing a bit of softness had returned to them.

“Of course.”

He approached the bed cautiously, as if he was going to spook her. Riza would have rolled her eyes at the ridiculousness of the situation if she hadn’t also suddenly felt the same trepidation. All their other actions could be passed off, even with the most flimsy logic, as being necessary to burn her back and get the job done. Sleeping in the same bed, holding each other, and giving in to this temptation, were not. 

Even so, Roy snuck under the covers. They didn’t have to say anything; they naturally gravitated toward each other. Riza’s back was still in a delicate condition, so he was careful to avoid touching any part of it. Instead, he let his hands brush against her shoulder, then her covered breasts more deliberately as she reached to hold onto his arms and gasped softly. With the same sort of silent communication that had drawn them together, they both knew it wasn’t going to go any further. 

They didn’t need to rip each other’s clothes off, nor deliberately remove each article one at a time to build up the tension. Someday they might want that, even need it, but all that night required was some peaceful sleep. Riza knew when they woke up the next morning, she would say goodbye and try to figure out where her life would lead. She figured she might as well wake up in his arms if this was going to be her only opportunity. 

She should have known that her life would lead right back to him, and even if it took another decade, she would be waking up in his arms again.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I was able to do this moment justice, since it would be such a huge emotional event between Roy and Riza. I also couldn't resist adding a little hopeful ending, because as much as they hurt early on, I like to think they were eventually happy. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think, I would love to hear any comments you have :)


End file.
